I met Kala last year through a mutual friend and have been so inspired by her journey from extreme sickness to vibrant health! I love talking with her and being challenged by her to recognize beliefs, or as Kala calls them, “high places”, that are contrary to what God has said – tearing the high places down is hard but so, so worth it! On the other side of those high walls is the you God created you to be. I read this post that Kala wrote and it’s something I could have written about myself but I couldn’t articulate it as well as she did. She graciously allowed me to use it as a guest post and I’ve been so excited to share it. I hope you are inspired and challenged by what she has to say.
Confession… I used to be incredibly talented at playing the victim. Poor me. Sick. Tired. No one understands… no one cares that these things are happening TO me. Self-pity was my best friend and false comforter.
But here’s the thing… I didn’t know I was playing the victim. I had no idea that I played a part in victimizing myself. I didn’t realize that when I replayed hurts, fears, abusive words, or the doctors’ dooming “incurable” diagnoses… it was really me inside rehearsing and confirming those words and images. And with every looping thought of “who done me wrong” or “who I done wrong”… I was retraumatizing myself.
I was mentally, physically, and emotionally stuck. Spiritually… I didn’t even know what I believed anymore. But one thing was sure… I was a victim of my circumstances… or was I?
Well, things got worse long before they got better. I hit the bottom and thought it might very well be my grave… weighing a meager 84 pounds. I screamed, I cried… I was so angry. This was happening TO me… and it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t see the end of it.
The condensed version is that I FINALLY came to an understanding that my thoughts had created the circumstances I was currently under. And to get ABOVE them… I would have to think differently. When I considered “tearing down the high places”… I thought the high places were somewhere OUT there. When in fact… they were every wrong belief I held as truth IN my own mind. And those thoughts opposed this promise… “With God, ALL things are possible.”
To begin the healing process, I would have to first, take my thoughts captive and stop ruminating on the past. Stop living, talking, and walking from the perspective of illness, rejection, and self-pity. It was time to change the lenses on how I viewed myself and my circumstances.
If you asked me then, “Have you forgiven everyone who’s hurt you?”… I would have said absolutely yes. But the truth was… I hadn’t. Not because I didn’t want to… but because some hurts cut so deep that I couldn’t bear to pull the bandage off of them. When I tried, it stirred up feelings I didn’t have the courage or know-how to work through.
So, the next thing I had to do was to recognize that when those thoughts of past hurts came up… acknowledge them as opportunities to forgive and let go. Because those words, hurts, abuses… well, they were just memories now. No longer happening except for when I replayed them. Truly forgiving those who harmed me, even the small offenses, put a stop to the trauma once and for all.
Finally, I had to forgive myself… for making what I deemed poor choices throughout my life and for punishing myself by reliving those poor choices. I also had to forgive myself for how it affected those who loved me most. And with that came loving myself… which was foreign and at first, extremely uncomfortable for me. It challenged my spirituality… I felt unloveable. Wasn’t I that “wretched” sinner in Amazing Grace? Yes. Before Jesus washed my sins away in His own blood… but even so, the Word said that, “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
He loved me… sinner or saint. And if He could love me at my worst… then so could I. And if He could forgive me and give His life for me… then I must have value and be worthy of love.
Over time and tears… my thoughts really did change. And to my surprise… my body did, too. I began to thrive and feel strong. The fears that had plagued me diminished as I cast my anxieties on Him, knowing He cared for me. I rehearsed His goodness and His benefits… “He forgives all my iniquities. He heals all my diseases.”
And the simplicity of it is that His goodness and benefits were ALWAYS available. I was looking OUT there for the cure… for anything to numb the physical and emotional pain. When all along… the Healer… my Savior… was INside. I was just too distracted by my own unchecked thoughts to apply His Words to my circumstances.
I share this because faith comes by hearing. And so does fear. It’s scary to be rejected, to be sick, to feel alone… but it’s a lie. God loves you and He will never leave you. You are not forgotten and you are deeply loved and valuable to Him. You are not a victim. You are more than a conqueror. But until you see yourself as the Father sees you… a mighty man or woman of fearless courage… you will remain under your circumstances. It’s a choice and you and only you can decide. God wants you well and of sound mind… He wants you ABOVE your circumstances.
Today, I’m still overcoming “by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.” It would be easy for me to settle back into playing a victim when days don’t go the way I think they should… I know that role so well. But through this process of healing and sanctification, I’m learning to come to peace more quickly. I love better, I think… because I’m taking ownership of my “stuff” instead of blaming others for making me feel sad, angry, or alone. It’s empowering to know that God has given me a choice to be offended or to forgive… to be overcome or to overcome… to be under or above my circumstances. His Word is rich with promises. To be a victim.. believe none. To be an overcomer… you need only to believe one.
Happy Wife. Mom. Daughter. Friend. PreKTeacher. Storyteller. Comedienne. Chauffer. Referee. Amateur Chef. Resident Nurse. Part-Time Housekeeper. Rookie Gardener. Music Lover. Reality TV Junkie. Hopeful Author. Overcomer. As my diagnoses accumulated… my hope diminished. Each report brought more bad news… until I purposely began to renew my mind and start believing the Author of Good News.